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Indian Jokes
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INDIAN JOKES

You are an Indian, Pakistani, or Bangladeshi if:

1) When there is a sale on toilet papers, you buy 100 rolls.
2) You use dishwasher as a dish rack.
3) You save grocery bags, mostly to hold garbage.
4) You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
5) You majored in Engineering, Computer Science, or Medicine.
6) No one you're related to is a music major.
7) When you go to a dance party, you stand close to the wall
surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
8) You feel like you got a good deal if you didn't pay tax.
9) You always look phone numbers up the Yellow/White page rather than
making a 411 call.
10) You only make long distance calls after 11 pm.
11) You like the meat well done.
12) You've joined a CD club at least once.
13) You avoid motels especially if there is an acquaintance within
250-mile radius of your destination.
14) You have a box of tissue or a towel in your car.
15) The car you own is most likely a Camry or Accord.
16) When you dine out (very rarely) you think that $1 is a good tip.
17) You head towards the clearance section as soon as you walk into a
store.
18) Your favorite brandname is "IRREGULAR".
19) A pungent odor of spices hits as soon as someone enters your home.
20) You call fluoroscent lights "tube lights" and a flashlight a
"torch".
21) When you travel to your country you tie up your luggage with a rope
to keep it from opening apart.
22) You get very upset when the airline agent refuse to accept ur
luggage which is just 60 pounds overweight.
23) You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you a story of how
he had to walk two miles barefoot just to get to school.
24) You call an older person you never met before "uncle".
25) When your parents meet a stranger and talk for a few minutes, you
discover he is your distant cousin.

JUGNU SINGH
 
Jugnu Singh with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But...what happened to your other ear?"
"The scoundrel called back."
 
 

VAJPAYEE AND BUSH


Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, thats them.
So the guy walks over and says,"Hello, what are u guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning World War3"
Guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

 

PROSTATE

 

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

 

DEAFNESS
 
Kanjibhai is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife Rupaben going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.

If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.
Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

Kanjibhai goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says,
"Muna ni Ba , what's for dinner?"

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Eh are you listening , what's for dinner?"
Still no answer.

He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally,Rupaben answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we're having THEPLA!"
 
THE EARLY FLIGHT
 

The passengers were leaving the Air India plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied Kanjibhai paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," Kanjibhai said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time.

It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will.

I'm going to call your Air India home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered,

"but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

RSVP

Kanjibhai was preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers.

Kanjibhai was not very good at English so he asked the printer to help him.

After the printer had presented Kanjibhai with a draft , Kanjibhai quickly pointed out that the " RSVP " was missing .

The printer was surprised by Kanjibhai's knowledge and asked him if Kanjibhai knew what it meant.

Kanjibhai started to think and after much thought he replied :

"Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"

THE GENIE

Three guys, a Pak, a Sri Lankan and an Indian are out walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Sri Lankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.

I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming.

The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan.

The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state.Nothing can get in or out."

The Indian says, "My wish is that you fill it up with water."

THE KISS

Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak).

In one compartment of the train there are four people.

A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss my hand and get away with slapping a Pakistani soldier."

THE LONG DISTANCE CALL

In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Atal Behari Vajpayee and Pervez Musharraf decided to visit each other's country regularly.

The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan. There Musharraf showed him Pakistan's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to the Devil in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only Re.1.

When Vajpayee came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems to be at the best when Musharraf visited India. Suitable arrangements were made.

Mushrraf came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Zia-ul-Haq in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500!

Musharraf asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India ?"

A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India, it is long distance!".

SUICIDE

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him.

Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?).

Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

THE SMART BIHARI

There was this Bihari who was travelling with two tickets

When the T.T.E asked for the ticket, this fellow gave both the tickets, and so the T.T.E asked him the reason of buying two tickets.

This fellow answered well what will happen if in case I lose one of them,

so the T.T.E said what if you lose both of them,

so this guy said then why do I have a monthly pass.

 

PATELS

 

An American comes too India, and starts talking to a Gujrati at the airport. The American tells the Gujrati, "Americans have been everywhere, even on the moon, and we've just landed on Mars." The Gujrati responds, "Did you see a Patel on Mars?" The American says, "No". The Gujrati then says, "Well, then you haven't been anywhere, cause Patels are everywhere".

 

PICTURE

 

Hubby : "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Wife : "When there is a problem, no matter how insurmountable, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Hubby : "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you."
Wife : "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem
can there be greater than this one ?'

 

DOLLAR

 

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.

 

THE EYE

 

The teacher asks, "Jessica, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Jessica blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."

 

 

MATH

 

From a strictly Mathematical viewpoint:


What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ! 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will getyou there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

 

ENGLISH

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .



There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UPthe kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so............ Time to shut UP.....!

 

 

 

Do you know what is the meaning of HAPPY ?
H-Hum, A-Aapko, P-Pal P-Pal, Y-Yaad Karte Hain,
Aap Bhi Hume HAPPY Kar Liya Karo…

 

 

 

FUNNY DEFINITIONS

 

1.Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

2. Cigarette:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

3. Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce:
Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power...

9. Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic:
books which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher:
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist:
A person who while falling from
Eiffel Tower
says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word
OPPORTUNITY
.

25. Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father:
A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?

30. Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

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