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1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2.There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

8."Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. " I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?". "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied. Because I work like a horse,live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."

One person ask to god:
How much is thoushand million$ for you.
God said: just like a penny.

Then he asked:
How much is thoushand years for you.
God said: just like a sec.

Man said can you lent me a penny.
Then the god said wait a sec.
 
 
1. Operation:
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"


2. Doctor query:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


3. Quarrel:
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."


4. Eat properly:
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


5. Bad news:
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


6. Payement
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "And did he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
 
. Pneumonia:
Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."


8. Broken finger:
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."


9. Calling doctor:
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"


10. Plumber:
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."


11. Sheep heart:
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
 
12. Glasses:
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer

13. 40 years, 2 months & 8 days:
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

14. Treatment:
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."


15. Doctors:
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
 
 
What the teacher says and (what the teacher really
means).


1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering
needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five
minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his
capacity for blending fact
with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever
met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to
school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all
term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-
eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from
15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start
working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her
demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I
explain an assignment
she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges
with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses
opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the
fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her
youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion,
Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and
emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of
her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for
high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
 

YOU MUST KNOW THESE THINGS.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almond is a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during
a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
There are only four words in the English language,
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi
driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted
in his pocket.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand.



FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below
average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't
expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy
her friends?
23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most
states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made
of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some
people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

After a great success of Aishwarya Rai's movie Bride & Prejudice all over the world, Indian government wanted a special postage stamp with her picture on it to recognize her. Government stress that it should be world class. The stamps were released, and Indian Government & Aishwarya Rai both were pleased. But within a couple of days, began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious. Indian Government ordered CBI to investigate the matter. CBI checked out at several post offices, and then reported to the Government Officials that: "The stamp is really world class. The problem is, all the peoples are licking on the wrong side of the stamp."
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
 
Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
 
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food? There is fish flavored!

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
 

Computers: Male or Female?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:
 
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
 
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:
 
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 
MEN JOKES
 
What do you call a man with half a brain?
  Gifted.
 
What is the thinnest book in the world?
  "What Men Know About Women"
 
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  One ... men will screw anything.
 
How does a man take a bubble bath?
  He eats beans for dinner.
 
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
  Bonds mature.
 
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
  They are both empty from the neck up.
 
How can you tell if a man is happy?
  Who cares?
 
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  We don't know .... it's never happened.
 
How are men and parking spots alike?
  The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
 
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
 
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.
 
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
  A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
 
What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
 
What did God say after creating man?
  I can do better.
 
What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
  A man's undivided attention.
 
What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  1. No mind. 2. No business.
 
How is a man like a snowstorm?
  Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get,
  and how long it'll stay.
 
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
  He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
 
Why are men like laxatives?
  They irritate the shit out of you.
 
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
  Because those men already have boyfriends.
 
Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
  He had it bronzed.
 
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
  Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the
  stove.
 
How do men sort their laundry?
  "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
 
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
 
WOMEN JOKES
 
"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single?"
 
I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?
 
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
 
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
 
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
 
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
 
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
 
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
 
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
 
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
 
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
 
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
 
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
 
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
 
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
 
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
 
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
 
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
 
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
 
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
 
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
 
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
 
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
 
My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minature handcuffs....."

Guys VS Girls

Guys drink to forget about the girl.
Girls drink to think back about that guy.
When guys are in love, they become poorer
But when girls are in love, they become prettier
Guys can forget, but cannot forgive.
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget.
Guys care most about the quantity of love.
But girls care most about the quality of love.
Guys break-up when they feel love from another
Girl.
Girls break-up when they feel separation from her
man.
Guys feel curious towards all girls.
Girls feel curious towards the guys who are
Interested in her..
When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget the
girl by going out with other girls.
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his
characteristics from other guys.
Guys wish to be her first love.
And girls wish to be his last love.

Hasan, Gulzar , Sabina and Nazia Ajani's personal website.